So I’m 24 now. And my life sucks somehow.
I was born in a little village in northern Germany. My life was beautiful. We had not much, but that was ok. I had no father, since he decided to live in Berlin, but that was ok somehow. I came through.
But then I got 8 years old. And the stones, which I would not see till 2010 begans to fall….
My mother met a men, he was tough but somehow funny. They gained a flat in same village, near to my grandparents as my mother has wished ever since. The fun begins right now.
The first half year was beautiful. We had a car, we had a bit more of money, I got to the gymnasium, but then they started to drink alot. A real lot. And they harassed each other and then they started to fight. Three times a week, sometimes more often, I had wished to bang my head against something to get those screams out of my head. Screams of my mother, screams of her friend. And to mention: she was pregnant then. I saw her throwing around things and he smashing something against her, breaking her fingers and saw my mother walking drunken and blue-eyed through.
To mention: I had a little brother, but he can’t remember that today. 1 and a half year later – my second brother was born already, her friend moved out. I stopped loving my mother long before that. Stopped loving, because I was afraid of her lies, afraid of her friend, afraid of home, afraid of beeing alone with my brothers again, to keep them save. I called the police, sometimes. But they were no help at all. They had not done anything, as my mother revealed everything.
When I was 14 I decided to move out asap. I went to our youth-care-office, told them my story. They only said: „soul-damage can’t be messed, so we can’t help you“. Well nice stuff to hear when you’ve got your personal hell at home. I broke again, I never thought about cutting my life decently but that day I began. A few weeks later I decided for another way:
Fuck you all. I make my own way. I started to be on my own, a lone wolf. I worked hard at school, but I lost all relation to my family. I crapped my brothers out like hell, shouted at them how stupid they are and wanted everyone to leave me alone ,shut down my room. It was my personal prison, which I took freely.
When I was 16 I was able to move out from home. I had my school done and wanted to get a further degree, so I went out to a new school in a little city, 30mins with bycicle away. I did good first time. I lived together with an old man, from which I thought he could not harm me, when I found out, that he was discovering my underwear, when I’m not at home. That was really creepy.
To mention: I met my father a few times in my life since then, but he was no help either. Neither he brought me out of this crap, nor he seems to get attentioned to it.
I missed that school after 4 years of loosing all again. I went out to Berlin when I was 19 years old. I wanted to start a new life, far away from my mother, that crappy village and all that happend – most of all that happened. I was running away. I was used to computers till now and I still am. I got to work as a web-developer, as I whished for a long time. I’m doing it also. Now.
But the most important thing I learned since now is: I can’t trust anyone. And I forgot how to trust me. ‚Cause everytime I start something new, I going to crash it anyways. My first job with brilliant people – crashed. Second Job – in same company – crashed again.
1 year freelance, some crashes in projects, not able to get something done. Oh to Mention: Lost my flat. Two times.
All my fault? Of course. Funny thing is, I know whats wrong. But I can’t determine how to solve what’s wrong.
After freelance, had my apprenticeship at a beautiful company. Crashed.
After that: Worked as JuniorFrontend-Developer in a big company, which knows my problems. Crashed.
Now? I’m unnemployed, don’t know what to do, now flat, a broken CV and nothing more then my sadness that I the fuck dont know what to do.
I want to stand up. But I can’t trust myself that I will be able to hold the winners-line. I know somehow, that I’m going to get mind-crashed again.