Life can be a bitch. !=only if you let her.


So I’m 24 now. And my life sucks somehow.

I was born in a little village in northern Germany. My life was beautiful. We had not much, but that was ok. I had no father, since he decided to live in Berlin, but that was ok somehow. I came through.

But then I got 8 years old. And the stones, which I would not see till 2010 begans to fall….

My mother met a men, he was tough but somehow funny. They gained a flat in same village, near to my grandparents as my mother has wished ever since. The fun begins right now.

The first half year was beautiful. We had a car, we had a bit more of money, I got to the gymnasium, but then they started to drink alot. A real lot. And they harassed each other and then they started to fight. Three times a week, sometimes more often, I had wished to bang my head against something to get those screams out of my head. Screams of my mother, screams of her friend. And to mention: she was pregnant then. I saw her throwing around things and he smashing something against her, breaking her fingers and saw my mother walking drunken and blue-eyed through.

To mention: I had a little brother, but he can’t  remember that today. 1 and a half year later – my second brother was born already, her friend moved out. I stopped loving my mother long before that. Stopped loving, because I was afraid of her lies, afraid of her friend, afraid of home, afraid of beeing alone with my brothers again, to keep them save. I called the police, sometimes. But they were no help at all. They had not done anything, as my mother revealed everything.

When I was 14 I decided to move out asap. I went to our youth-care-office, told them my story. They only said: „soul-damage can’t be messed, so we can’t help you“. Well nice stuff to hear when you’ve got your personal hell at home. I broke again, I never thought about cutting my life decently but that day I began. A few weeks later I decided for another way:

 

Fuck you all. I make my own way. I started to be on my own, a lone wolf. I worked hard at school, but I lost all relation to my family. I crapped my brothers out like hell, shouted at them how stupid they are and wanted everyone to leave me alone ,shut down my room. It was my personal prison, which I took freely.

When I was 16 I was able to move out from home. I had my school done and wanted to get a further degree, so I went out to a new school in a little city, 30mins with bycicle away. I did good first time. I lived together with an old man, from which I thought he could not harm me, when I found out, that he was discovering my underwear, when I’m not at home. That was really creepy.

 

To mention: I met my father a few times in my life since then, but he was no help either. Neither he brought me out of this crap, nor he seems to get attentioned to it. 

 

I missed that school after 4 years of loosing all again. I went out to Berlin when I was 19 years old. I wanted to start a new life, far away from my mother, that crappy village and all that happend – most of all that happened. I was running away. I was used to computers till now and I still am. I got to work as a web-developer, as I whished for a long time. I’m doing it also. Now.

But the most important thing I learned since now is: I can’t trust anyone. And I forgot how to trust me. ‚Cause everytime I start something new, I going to crash it anyways. My first job with brilliant people – crashed. Second Job – in same company – crashed again.

1 year freelance, some crashes in projects, not able to get something done. Oh to Mention: Lost my flat. Two times.

All my fault? Of course. Funny thing is, I know whats wrong. But I can’t determine how to solve what’s wrong. 

After freelance, had my apprenticeship at a beautiful company. Crashed.

After that: Worked as JuniorFrontend-Developer in a big company, which knows my problems. Crashed.

 

Now? I’m unnemployed, don’t know what to do, now flat, a broken CV and nothing more then my sadness that I the fuck dont know what to do.

 

I want to stand up. But I can’t trust myself that I will be able to hold the winners-line. I know somehow, that I’m going to get mind-crashed again.

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2 Gedanken zu “Life can be a bitch. !=only if you let her.

  1. Anonymous schreibt:

    I have no idea if you remember me, and frankly I think it’s for the better if you don’t. I was horrible to you the whole time and I regret so much. I was an outsider myself and desperate for some attention, someone to talk to. That’s why, when all the girls talked about you, I did too, just to feel for at least a few minute, as if I’m in the same circle as the popular kids…
    I read your story and it really touched me.
    I moved away and hoped for a new start too. Well I had my new start, but I blow it and now I have nothing. I never had an abusive home and I can’t hate anyone but myself, that’s why I won’t say, that I can understand you.
    I just hope for the both of us, that life will get better and that we both can finally be happy, we’re fucking deserve it!

    • I remember nearly everyone who was an asshole in my childhood or teeanger life 😉

      But that’s truly over now and I’m also over it. So feel free to contact me if you want.

      At the moment I don’t know who you are, but I hope the best for you, even if you pissed me off years ago 😉

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